Post by shinyumbreon3618 on Apr 12, 2014 1:17:09 GMT -5
The title pretty much sums it up, but these are some brief journal entries that document the last few months of Arashi's relationship with her now ex-fiancé, as well as her discovery of being unable to have kids. Hopefully this will just build on her backstory. I hope you all enjoy reading!
~There is some minor language used in 2 entries, but that's all.~
~There is some minor language used in 2 entries, but that's all.~
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February 27th, 2013
Today was absolutely amazing! Carson and I went to the ski resort up north in Snowpoint City with some friends of ours, and he actually popped the question to me, for real! He’s been hinting at it quite openly, but I hadn’t expected it, seeing as it’s been a topic of conversation for at least two months now. He said that it just fit, with us moving in and settling down a bit, but it was still an amazing surprise. Well, I think this is enough to write for now. I don’t want to keep my fiancé waiting for our date! ; )
April 6th, 2013
Carson and I have been talking about things seriously a lot lately, and we’ve decided that we’re going to try and start our family up soon. We don’t plan on a crazy or big wedding, so if we have a newborn baby or pregnant bride around at the time, it would be quite manageable. We’ll start trying for the baby soon, but for now we’re still settling into the new house.
We’re also debating if we should bring old furniture in, or if we’ll be better off with new things. Money is still tight from getting the house, but I know we’ll sort everything out soon. We’ve always made things work before!
July 20th, 2013
It’s been a while since I’ve written, but we’ve been busy trying to conceive. So far it isn’t working out very well, so Carson and I will be visiting a nearby clinic in ten days to see what’s the hold up. I’ll make sure to write again after that’s over, so I guess this is goodbye for now. Wish us luck!
July 31st, 2013
Well, we went to visit the clinic yesterday. The good news is that Carson’s fine, so there are no issues there to worry about. The bad news? I’ll probably never be able to carry a baby, or conceive for that matter. I don’t even remember the reason why, but it doesn’t really matter. I can’t have kids, and the doctor said it isn’t something that can be fixed with any treatments or medications. Carson hasn’t spoken to anyone since we heard about all this, and I’ve been feeling the same way. He's been shut up in our room, and I'm too upset to go check on him.
I’m not sure when I’ll write in here again, but as of now, I feel so broken and numb, yet I’m in completely agonizing pain at the same time… All my life I've wanted kids, four to be exact, but that's all been ripped away from me; from us. I just hope this nightmare ends soon. It has to; I can’t lose the man I love over something I have no control over.
September 14th, 2013
Carson snapped at me today, pretty badly. We’d gone to the mall and saw a couple that looked to be very close to having a baby shopping for baby clothes, and he looked so jealous of them. I was jealous too, but when we got home, he started yelling at me about this being my fault. That if I wasn’t messed up, we’d be able to have kids like we’d always dreamed of. He acts like I chose this, but honestly? I want kids even more than he does! I’m a woman for god sake, that’s what I’m made to do! My every instinct screams for me to raise a child, but now I can't have that. I just hope things start getting better soon, I don’t know if I can do this without Carson. He’s always been my rock, and I need him now more than ever. But part of me knows that this is doomed to fall apart eventually. I can just feel it in the air, the way he talks, and how screwed up things feel.
December 2nd, 2013
Carson recently called off our wedding, and said he wanted to end our relationship as well. I begged him to change his mind and stay, but he wouldn’t listen to me. He said he couldn’t be with a 'flawed and broken' woman, and then he started to pack his things without even letting me finish talking. I think he’ll be gone by Christmas time, probably sooner. I’m in so much shock right now, and I feel like I’m going to be sick. Carson keeps glancing at me with disgust in his eyes, like I’m some kind of diseased animal that broke out of its cage. I wish he knew what he was doing to me, because he’d never hurt me this badly on purpose. At least the Carson I
December 25th, 2013
The house is practically empty now. Carson took everything with him, and I’m left with bare walls and empty rooms. I wanted to keep more, but I just don’t have any will power or strength left, and he was hell bent on getting everything he could. He only left me a bed, dresser, and a small table with one lonely dining chair. It’s so empty in here, the only reminder that it’s Christmas time comes from the decorations littering the yards of the neighbors. No one got me any gifts or paid any visits this year, but that was on my request. I just don’t feel any reason to celebrate anything. All I can think of is all of the baby supplies we should've been getting, and about how our pictures of me carrying that baby would've looked on a card. Just to think, if this hadn't happened, in a few years we'd be getting to watch our own kid waking up on Christmas, excited for the presents waiting down the hall.
Anyways, I think I’m going to stop writing now. I just want to sleep today off as best I can so that I can quite torturing myself with what ifs and I wishes. Bye.
February 18th, 2014
I think I’m doing better now. I’m eating somewhat normally again, and I don’t dream about Carson and the longed for kids every night anymore. I still miss him like hell, but I’m feeling like less of a zombie now than I was back in December. Yea, I still am hurt, I still cry over my losses, and I still feel lonely at times, but at least I’m acting human again! My friends are planning to have a girl’s night out to try and get me out of this empty house, but I’m not sure I’m ready for that yet. I guess I’ll just see how I feel the morning of.
I think it’s helped that Carson isn't around. I think that if he’d stayed around, it would’ve been so different between us. This whole thing would’ve just hung in the air, and I doubt we’d have ever been truly happy again. It does suck that we got so far before falling apart, but I’m glad it didn’t fall apart after the wedding. There would’ve been no way I could’ve signed our divorce papers.
March 3rd, 2014
I’m finally feeling okay again. When I say I feel okay, I mean I feel like I can live without Carson around. Of course I wish he was still here, but I’ve accepted that he isn’t and I’m starting to move on from that. I don’t know where or how he is, but I think it’s for the best that I don’t and never do. It would just stir things up again, and I don’t want that to happen. No good could come from rehashing dead-end feelings.
I’ll be throwing this diary away after I finish this final entry, as part of my moving on. It’s been helpful to have, but I don’t want to hold onto it, since it reminds me of so many things that I want to forget. Hopefully I’ll be able to start looking for ‘the one’ again soon, but for now I’m happy just having friends and family. Well, it’s been an interesting ride, but this is my final goodbye.
